12.09.2002 10:35 pm
hanging

it breaks me, when he leaves. you can see it in my eyes, in my face, in my walk. funny, the first music mix i made him, during the first summer we were apart, was called "broken." it's a theme.

anna says i deserve someone better than that, someone who'll be in love with me back, who won't just leave all the time. (i wonder if this has anything to do with my father...) i agree. i just need something from him, some definitive "yes" or "no"....

I asked him, "James, are you over me?"

He said, "I don't know how to answer that. I'm not... done with you."

so you might be over me, but you're not done with me. thanks, james. makes me feel great. i just wish i were fucking strong enough to say no to you, to break it off entirely as i've tried to so many times in the past. you said you're dependent on your friends. you're too dependent on me. but i depend on you, too, james. please, sweet jesus, just tell me the truth about how you feel. don't keep me hanging forever

...

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