12.13.2002 2:25 pm
livingroom recitals

i'm supposed to be "good enough," but nobody asks me to sing with them... always anna. *sigh* i'm not angry about that, but... it makes me a little sad. it's like it's a club... and i'm not in it somehow... perhaps i just don't understand.

it's a beautiful song.

anyway, moving on. hm, i'd love to find a piano player and try to get some gigs in bars in p'land, or even here in gorham, although i'd hate singing at sierra's. it'd be too much like putting on those old concerts in my living room, singing "cats" (yes, i did. i'm not ashamed. i loved it when i was little) with my best friend, parents clapping and looking amazed.

"well it might just be a lesson for the hasty heart to know

maybe leavin's not the only way to go."

of course leaving's not the only way to go. but it works. "and one more thing before we go, there's never been anyplace quite like this home. for once in a lifetime, maybe. i'd be foolish not to stay... I gotta get away..." -jm

been thinkin 'bout not coming back here. it would be nice to work for a while, make some money, get some experience with a new crowd. i always leave, and that's the truth. hope, st. george, rye, thomaston, hotchkiss, boothbay, here's just another step in the progression. and i never thought i would stay, no delusions of belonging, not since hope, not since hotchkiss. even hotchkiss, too much pressure, not enough love.

my face is breaking out. i'm okay with that, it gets to have its say once in a while. it doesn't affect me the way it used to. i remember mornings in front of my mirror when i would cry and cry because i hated how i looked... the acne didn't help. (<--self-mockery)

"this isn't love

cause if you don't wanna talk about it

then it isn't love

and guess i'm gonna have to just live with that" -cc

the one thing i can't leave, can't forget. and yet, i've gotten better and better at forgetting, each time he leaves, how much i love him. it just... fades away, only to be brought storming back when i see him. i told smooth b that i was getting really good at forgetting. he said, "aww, that's no good." it's a survival instinct. you learn to let go when holding on will rip you apart. problem is, it becomes easier and easier to give up, let go, forget, when fighting and holding on seems like the harder course.

as always, no answers. no answers.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -