12.20.2002 11:10 am
ne me quitte pas

shit! how do i get out of here? i can't stay here forever and forever, rotting away, dying without stimulation or...

a life without punctuation

[john gorka - i saw a stranger with your hair]

ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas.

but he will, he will abandon me. he has.

as a child, i dreamed of who i would be in the future. but my dreams weren't to be a different person... nothing about being cooler or richer or anything like that. my vision of myself was... myself, just bigger. a bit more mature, perhaps. but that has come to pass. here i am, more mature, able to enjoy other people for who they are, and not forget to appreciate myself at the same time. so, hurrah, mission accomplished. except i am a slave to this person. at some point i handed over the keys to my inner happiness, not realizing that not everything works out, not realizing that even a perfect love can be un-perfect when applied to the real world, where loneliness is pervasive, where there are sadists and masochists and existentialists and romantics and modernists and classicists and priests and whores. [female priests and male whores, force yourself to think about that one] where 250 miles can come between you and the way it was meant to be. stars. tarot. fate. and then the world comes in and fucks it up...

ah, but i'm just replacing this sadness with anger now, and i don't like being angry. it's about futility, about lost direction when once it seemed there was nowhere to go but up. now you live in a three-D world where not only can you go left, right, north, south, east and west, but you can fall, you can fall, and fall and fall and fall.

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