01.24.2003 1:20 am
clinical

I said I'd go to bed by eleven. I lied.

[George Winston - Walking on Air]

flying snowmen.

[Ben Folds Five - Fred Jones Part 2]

"Yeah and all of these bastards have taken his place; he's forgotten but not yet gone. And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones. And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones. And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones: It's time."

Amy is sad, and I don't know how to help her. I called her today because she missed class and her journal was sadness. Well, I don't want to write about the factual details. I'm just worried about her. I've seen depression, "the little straight rows of chairs, / blotting my name over and over, / but undersea all the time, / a stranger whose elbows wouldn't work." (Anne Sexton) Read "Rowing" by Anne Sexton. Probably my favorite poem of all-time.

I'm lonely. Truly lonely. I'd like to just sit and hold Amy, because I feel like that'd be just a nice thing to do. I can't tell if I would be doing it more for me, or for her. A little of both, but it'd be nice to know where my main motivation was coming from.

There's nothing in my head these days but nonsense. Nonsense. Craziness. It sucks. Beautiful poetry used to flow through my fingers onto the page, and now there's drivel. No, I don't think I'm dried up. I've just decided to train my mind to do different things this semester. I'm interested in training my mind to do different things this semester. Last semester, I wrote poetry and didn't do any homework. This semester, I want to quit... two things, one of which is smoking. I want to pass all my courses with the best grades possible. I want to do an excellent job in Machinal, and I want to go to Brazil this summer. Hm. I should talk to my parents about that. Money might be an issue. I'm sure they'd be fine with my going to Brazil, though. I could write to Vitor and tell him I'm going to his country. I might even beat Cintia and her husband there.

I hope those two are okay, travelling the world. I don't remember how long they were planning on staying in Australia, but I think it was at least six months.

And what's up with Finelli's closing? Sadness. I wonder what Paul will do now, going back to Providence?

That reminds me. I should go to bed, so I'm rested, so I remember to do everything I have to do tomorrow, one thing in particular, which is to mail off a congrats card to my step-sister for the birth of her baby, Emily.

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