02.13.2003 6:25 am
murder

The sun slowly brightens the sky, so that now it's reached a medium periwinkle blue, as I listen to my roomate's boyfriend's band play

[Kate's Dream - The Chaos Is Calling]

, an angsty, U2-ish song. It's good. The music switches to

[Des'ree - Kissing You]

. I don't understand how Anna sleeps through the music so loud. It wakes me up, when it's like this, so I usually creep in, like the fog, on cat's feet, turn it down whenever I end up dusting back into my room, and land in bed. Not tonight. I've spent two and a half hours looking at pictures on petridish.net. There's one girl, named PeachyBex. She has up a million billion pictures of herself, a good percentage of which are ... provocative, so to speak. (The sky lightens by minute increments. The song ends.)

[Kate's Dream - (don't know the name)]

She doesn't admit it, but she does it because she wants attention, wants people to tell her she's beautiful. I think we all want and need that to some extent, but... It's just sad to see it taken to such an extreme. Her earliest pictures are simply her, looking beautiful. Then they got racy. Then it was overkill.

(Pale blue sky by now)

I'm tempted to look up "Joe's Smoke Shop" in the yellowpages and call them to see how early they're open. I could use another pack of Nat Sherman's, and I'm supposed to send a pack to James. I could also use for everyone not to bum them off me. Seriously, I lose so many cigarettes to drunken nights, if only because even the people who already have cigarettes ask for one of mine.

There's a banner ad at the top of the page as I write this, that says, "We ask for advice... / ...when what we really want... / ...is permission." I wonder. That would be a great diary if all the writer did was, each entry, give permission for some particular thing that someone wrote in about.

Isn't that what it's all about? Permission? Is human nature innately evil, living by an appliqued moral code only to protect himself from his enemies? Or is the moral code a part of us? "Don't kill." Why not? If you could find some trusted person to tell you that it was okay to kill someone you really hated, would you do it? If not, what would the circumstances have to be in order for you to commit that kind of crime? There's a guy in my dorm who I really detest, but not enough to seriously kill him. However, one day I was explaining how much I hated him to some friends of mine, and they said, "Well, we'll take care of the body for you." Then they started outlining how they could perfectly dispose of the body without a hint of a trace, and I had to ask them to stop. It made it too real, too possible. But then, I have those controls in place, so that if I feel like I'm even slightly leaning towards thinking seriously about murdering someone, I stop myself. Because it's frightening. Could I live with myself if I took someone else's life? Probably. But who can say, right? Poe's Tell-tale Heart. And is that a risk I'm willing to take? No.

And now the sky is the colour of a cloudless sky on a balmy summer day. Makes me want to run through the fields shouting. Fields long gone. Didn't even hold on to... any fields. All gone. But the real point is, it's freezing outside. I can feel it seeping in through the sill. No warmth, no summer days, no swimming. Not even cold barren fields. Just red brick, white snow, brown trees, green cupola, and blue, blue, eye-blue sky.

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