02.18.2003 4:00 pm
blood on snow

I've been thinking a lot about killing myself recently. First, the thing with James... which is over, apparently. I answered one of his questions "Yes," and he said, "You were my favorite."

And it was done.

Which has been hard. Also, I went home Sunday for my birthday party. I got lots of money, which was nice. Now I'll have to try not to spend it. Anyway, leaving my parents' house is always so sad. I'm afraid that my mother will die someday, unexpectedly, struck down by some horrible disease. I don't know what I'd do without my mom. She's my best resource, the person I look to for... everything.

So I look at a day like this, huge huge snowflakes falling from the sky, the world covered in an ethereal frosting...

[Ben Folds - Still Fighting It]

It sucks to grow up. I'm not sure I can handle it. I don't want to handle it. I was thinking about transferring: Where would I go, in terms of who I want to surround myself with? Would I rather go to a preppy school where people are more balanced but fake? Or would I rather go to a school where the kids are passionate but fucked up? I think I'd rather go to a school with balanced people. And that disturbs me. If I can't face the realities of enlightened people's emotions and passions yet, when will I ever be able to? I can see myself surrounding myself with ever more erudite and "normal" people, losing touch with what I used to want from life.

So on days when the world is this beautiful, I think of a smear of blood and a broken body, mine. I'd like to go by jumping.

[Dirty Vegas - Days Go By (acoustic)]

White, dry skin melting the snow from its initial warmth. I'd go, too, if I could sled into a tree really fast and snap my neck. Something fast, something exhilarating.

I just can't envision my success, considering the extreme contrast between my goals and society's demands on me. I want to be free. I want to travel. I don't want to have a job. I want to ... I want. I want.

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