02.21.2003 11:20 am
aldous huxley: the doors of perception

"joy? no silly, i live with josie"

I'd like to think I'm not that bad, but I know that I am, recently. Sorry, Anna.

I feel alone. I lost James, I'm losing Anna to Travis (but yay for Anna, and hooray for love), and I've lost Corey, as of last night.

[Don McLean - The Grave]

No friends now, just work. Lots of work, enough to keep me occupied for a lifetime. There's always more. Siempre más.

Thinking a lot about killing yourself is far far different from doing it.

I had a telling dream. The most important bit was that I went back to Hotchkiss and tried to steal some theatre history quizzes so that I could learn the information on them at my leisure. The prefect came around to collect the exams and accused me of stealing them to help the students cheat. I turned to James and Colin, who were sitting farther back in the auditorium, but there was no help, no way out. There ended the dream.

Talking to Miss Anna, I realized that the dream was about wanting to do something good for myself. Wanting to "nourish the spirit," as they say. I went to the best place I've known, a place of self-confidence and the closest friends I've made in my life: Hotchkiss. (There was another part of the dream, where James and Colin were making up songs as they worked in the theatre, just to hear their own voices in that beautiful space.) And then I tried to keep for myself something that I knew would lead to my own happiness, through study and enlightenment. However, I was caught. The outside world found me out, found out my dream of happiness and said, "Cheater!"

Is this my perception, or is this the truth?

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