03.09.2003 1:25 am
don't we all

This is me not calling you. Not calling you to say, "There's nobody to take care of me. I'm drunk, and there's nobody to take care of me." You said that was important. You get drunk with people, and they take care of you. Everyone takes care of each other. I guess it doesn't count when you get drunk alone.

But this is me not calling you, because it would still be because I love you, and I want you to take care of me.

I asked Colin if I could live with him. I told him, "It would be so cool if the three of us could live out in Cali together!"

But he's more grounded in reality. He remembers not what was, but what is. How it was the last time we three hung out together, how I pined over you. How angsty it was.

I miss Corey. Why do I need friends who need me? He needed me the most, of my friends currently. Past, rather. Now, Betsy. Sweet Betsy from Pike. I hope you get laid, Corey. I find myself thinking awful things about him, wanting to do awful things. But I don't. And I wanted to talk to him tonight, but I know it's only because I know Betsy is threatening the place I had with him. Does that make me a horrible person? Light trickles down the thread of my spine. I'm glad I learned to clear my chakras. The wash of a heat lamp, full-spectrum bulb. Knowing that I look like a drunk to the casual observer. Maybe I am. I had five beers tonight. Red Stripe. Doesn't say anywhere what the alcohol content is. Nowhere. Not on the case, not on the bottle, nothing.

Sign my guestbook. Who reads this, I wonder?

When did it get so easy to confuse lethargy with exhaustion?

Kate kissed me tonight. I mean, nothing special, just a full-lip kiss. I miss kissing. Kissing is good. I miss soft lips... those soft, big lips... Mmm, lips. Maybe I should be gay, after all. But how do you go about hitting on a woman? I see people I think are attractive, and I want to walk up to them and say, "Are you gay? Because you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen." Not much of a come-on line.

And Asa. Hi, Asa! Why aren't there more boys like you? What a sweetheart he is!

Maybe I'll write. Maybe I'll finish that story, so I can finally post it here. I want to explain it, explicate. Tell what the truth is, and what is fiction. But that's too much. This story is a private story. Part me, part others.

Watched Dancer in the Dark tonight with Chris. Jee-sus, what a trip. Thank god for chakra-cleansing. I would have tripped tonight (not like with drugs) if it weren't for the new-found knowledge of cleansing the self of external influences. Pure self, pure white light.

I guided Colin through cleansing his chakras tonight. Via cellphone, while he was waiting for a movie to start in the cinema. Gimmie a big cheer for cell phones and free weekend minutes. Colin needs a me. Well, he doesn't need it. And he doesn't need me he needs a me.

Don't we all?

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