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03.29.2003 11:55 pm
worn-out
I hate myself for not being able to quit smoking those damn cancer-sticks. I feel weak. I hate that quitting can have such a strong impact on my emotions. They're just cigarettes, right? But when I go a few days on one a day, I feel like killing myself, like life isn't worth living. And I know that's the drug-withdrawl symptoms, but still. Withdrawl from cigarettes makes me want to up and leave, forget Machinal, forget school, forget everything. "...they say you forget...." They're only cigarettes. Lots of people smoke them. Quitting shouldn't be so hard. I'm not sure if it's me, or if it's the withdrawl speaking, but I'm totally hopeless about my performance in the show right now. There's so much work I have to do on character, and I'm still working on lines! I wish I had tackled those tough monologues first thing instead of waiting till now. I've never really memorized anything this hard before. There was the Fireman's speech from "The Bald Soprano," but even that had more sense. It was more of a story. Treadwell's monologues... "Yes-no-maybe-stop-air-wait-something-blah-blah-words-random-" And people say, "You'll do fine, you're doing great." It's not about whether or not I'm doing great now. It's about my potential as an actor, and I am far from fulfilling it. I've hardly touched some of the most important aspects of my character. I've just let them come, as I went through the words and the blocking. My greatest inspirations seem to come from my dreams, when my subconscious gets to play with all these themes and thoughts, unrestricted by my forced consciousness in rehearsals, whether I'm trying to remember lines, or blocking, or to connect emotionally with the character... I had great dreams for this part, great dreams. If I hadn't had classes to work on (and yet that's no excuse. If I had started the true work of this role earlier...) I might be closer by now. But I always promised myself, no regrets. 1) Show up. 2) Pay attention. 3) Tell the truth without judgement. 4) Detach from the outcome. You have to read a little into "Tell the truth without judgement," so that it can also mean "Do your best." I think doing your best is part of being truthful, truthful to yourself as to what you're capable and willing to do.
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