04.24.2003 8:55 pm
cycles perfecta

Urg. Putting off (shouldn't that be spelled some other way? "Putting.") doing a huge paper for Dr. Stump. deviantART helps a lot with the procrastination. Such pretty stuff is there.

Stuff on my mind. The same stuff that's been there: "Is this weird?" Of course it's weird. Continuing theme of things being taken from me. "I still want hugs." Yeah, but it's shitty when the hugs have to modified around certain people. *points to self* Ooo, you're soooo good at being subtle, Jos. Still jealous, this one is. Corey, why do you shy away from putting (there's that damn word again) an end to our cuddling? Why that reluctance? Was it just to try to avoid hurting me? I'm not hurt. It's less confusing for me this way. It's hard to target the meaning behind touch, though. What are you asking me, exactly? Not to love you? But I do. I do. (I just made a decision not to tip-toe around this. I'm forgetting what I believe this diary should be for.) Not to be lonely? But I am. And I use you for that. Sounds awful, doesn't it? God, it's nice not to be the one being used for once, though. And clearly, I don't want to hurt you. That's why I'll stop.

Sweet Jesus, I need a fuckbuddy. Pardon the terminology. Urg, James still--STILL--uses me. For comfort. For stuff. For his own pleasure. Ha, living up here, I'm not a very reliable source. I was talking to him the other day, and he said he has this image of me up here, using people for sex whenever I want. It's funny to me. I haven't done that since the summer. Here... who would I use? I can't think of anybody. And oh, I've been trying. Somebody who's not interested in a relationship, not butt ugly, not an asshole. And hopefully someone I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with, either. God knows if I'll stay here for next year, and if I don't, I certainly don't want any romantic attachments here.

I'm sorry, Corey. I'm sorry I'm lonely and I'm sorry I can't decide how to really feel about you. Still.

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