02.27.2004 12:15 am
pretentious

Argh! I really want to write something good, that should count for something, shouldn't it? As usual, I feel forced to write this entry to cover up whatever nasty nothingness poured out of my mind and onto the screen, last entry.

I used to feel pretty. I used to feel smart. Now I feel stupid, and still everyone calls me pretentious and arrogant and intimidating. Me? I don't think so. I couldn't even dress myself this morning. I had to wait for Anna to come home.

But am I? Am I pretentious? Arrogant? Intimidating? I'd like to believe that those perceptions are other people's insecurities, not failings of my own. Really, really, I'm stupid, I am. There's so much more out there for me to learn, about music and art and poetry and theatre... I'd just like to think that I have something to contribute. It was so nice to see Chris's play, a brainchild birthed. A director to direct it, actors to act it, people who want to get involved. I haven't sung since P8 dissolved, I haven't drawn since my last art class, I haven't written anything good since high school. And yet I think I introduce myself as a talented person. Some remaining arrogance exists from a time when what I did won me praise and enthusiasm. I used to believe what people said about me, but my belief has dissolved as I fail to live up to my own expectations.

Shit, how maudlin.

[Nick Drake - Time Has Told Me]

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