03.25.2004 4:57 am
Theresa?

For the second night in a row, I've come home as the world is thawing and brightening. Last night, I went walking with Corey in the middle of the night, and that was awful, because he wouldn't tell me what was really going on. It felt like he was trying to lead me into something, but I didn't know the right words to say to unlock him. He did the same thing tonight, playing silent, and I didn't catch on until Ben Wake had the balls to say, as gently as he could, "Duh, it's you."

This sucks.

I don't want to have to prove to him how I feel, and I don't want him to be angry at me anymore. I want our old friendship back, back when I was unavailable and therefore safe. I want it back like I always have and like I'll never get.

Spent a long time talking to Chris tonight about a lot of things. Shadow, houses, school, "appropriate" humour, self-reflection, people, all kinds of things. He's more than I ever gave him credit for, which is a wonderful thing to discover about a person. It's nice to get to know him better. Although: I always feel like I'm auditioning for him. Can't say why. I just feel like I'm being examined. I didn't exactly know how to respond to that. My mind was busy, but mostly I kept my mouth shut.

In breaking news, Jesus will be fixed. His water pump broke, which will cost $225 to replace, and the thermostat will be another $50, bringing the total amount of money dumped into him in one year to $1500. Sucks, for a car that only gets sixteen miles to the gallon.

The world is getting brighter and brighter and I know I should take my contacts out, or I'll pay for it when I wake up. I have to call Kate, talk about how I should do my hair for TSoT, because we're taking pictures for the show tomorrow. I still have to call Chrismike about my computer, make sure he can help me make it go. I talked to Anna today, she said she was sunning herself on a porch. I'm extremely jealous. Listening to Jason Mraz's "Live at Java Joe's" album brings back so crisply the smell of Colin's room, the humidity of the air, the way his car seats stuck to my legs. Beautiful times.

Third day without a cigarette, complete. I walked by someone smoking one today, and I had an urge to jump them and smoke their cigarette as I held them immobile beneath me. An external manifestation of my craving... I didn't do it, though. I walked by.

Kristin's car is fun to drive. I love having an excuse not to drive crazy for once. I could never do it with my own car, but it feels so mature to take great care to be a thorough and safe driver. I wish I had a car I was proud of. Jesus is a beater. Oh, I almost forgot this: Jesus had a crisis of self the other day. I was driving through Wiscassett, and suddenly I thought, clear as day, "My car's name is Theresa." I gave Jesus a sidelong look, as if to ask, "Is this true?" No response. So I don't know what's happened. For some reason, I feel like Jesus is dead and this female, Theresa, has replaced him. Perhaps my car has switched gender in his old age.

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