04.06.2004 10:37 am
ignorant self

Woot! I love secrets. I think if secrets were transmutable into solid form, they would be my favorite food. Even if they transmuted into something horrible, like steel. Except, I think secrets would be something more ethereal and less ... steely. Maybe they would be sharp, and eating only a few would kill you. So be it.

"The Shape of Things" closes tonight. I'm excited for our last performance. Contrary to all my previous experience in theatre, each night of our run has been better than the last, on all counts. Unless I'm horribly mistaken, I've added the physical layer to my character, if only haphazardly and inconsistently. Better than nothing. Corey and I are sitting around his room, discussing movies. The movie of TSoT comes up. I feel like I could watch it, today, before the last performance, and not be too terribly affected by it. Depends, I suppose, on the strength of the performance by the actress playing Evelyn. I won't watch it, though. Not until after the show. I think we should have a big movie-watching party tonight. A kind of catharsis. I don't know what I'll do or feel once this is over. As I said, I've never been involved with a production like this, that was so fascinating at first, to be part of, then lost my interest and enthusiasm, and then came completely around. Of course, there are things about this production that I don't like. Things I would do differently. But that is a sign, not only of my genuine interest in the project but of my development as a person, with thoughts and ideas of my own. I don't just accept what is fed to me anymore. I'm not that adolescent girl, sitting in on Portland Stage Co. productions and thinking, "God, they're so smart! How do they know how to do all this, and so well?" Thoughts, ideas, creations, objections, faith in the validity of my opinions. I swear, I still don't know where my ego came from. Maybe it's because my friends keep pulling shit like saying, "I know I'm not as smart as you..." Please. Don't do that. The subject of relative intellect is not something I'm willing or able to examine at this point in my life. I can't say if I'm smarter or stupider than anyone. How do you judge intelligence, versus sheer wealth of knowledge? Some people know a lot of shit, but they ain't so smaaaht (and some people do know a lot of shit and are smart to boot. Bastards). And some people have spent virtually no time learning things or committing them to memory, but often these people impress me with their wisdom more than someone who can quote Shakespeare or tell me the mathmatical order of operations. And yet there's that temptation to make myself memorize lofty passages of philosophy and literature, to learn the intricacies of car hydraulics, and to know when the buffalo head nickel was first minted. I can't quell my pang of jealousy when Michaela whips out something like, "I know Hungarian" or ... I don't even know half of the incredible things she's told me, but they're always the kind of things that you want to say, "You don't know that for sure!" Except I know Chaela well enough now to know that she does know her shit. Should I feel inferior because she knows more facts about the function of light in space than I'll ever know about anything, ever? Like I said, I'm not at the point in my life where I can start making judgements about that stuff. So I won't answer. I'll leave it open-ended. I'd like to hope, though, that there's something more to life than that, if only so I can feel good about my ignorant self.

"i know i don't mean shit to you / but spend some time with me / drive my car and drink my beer / and say you'll never leave"

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