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04.07.2004 4:15 pm
divergent selves
So like I said, I need to leave this room. "The Shape of Things: The Movie" wasn't as good as I was afraid it would be. A relief. I hate to see someone do my part better than I could. And she didn't do it better, quite... except maybe the monologue. That was awesome. But she did it different. My mom said she thought that the nerd and the artist were both facets of the same person. She thinks that we all start out at least a little dorky, and the world pressures us to transform ourselves into the "artist:" cool, artistic, innately beautiful. So we all get nose jobs and change what we wear, but we pay no attention to the effect these changes have on our inner life, our souls. I love my Mom. I love that she's not just one of those moms who go to shows and don't think about them at all. I love that she loves theatre, and thinks about it, and has new things to say. It helps that she's fifty-something and has tons of life experience that I have yet to garner. I'm glad I'm hanging out with Kate tonight, and I'm glad I'm going to band practice at Nate's house. Wow, I'm frustrated. I should shut up. I want to be a person who keeps everything to herself. From the outside, it looks easier to hurt people by not telling them anything than to hurt people by telling them everything. Maybe that last sentence won't make any sense to you. But it doesn't matter... I get it. I wish that I could be totally un-self-conscious and totally censored at the same time. That means that I wish all my actions were dictated from a logical part of my brain, completely separate from the emotional part. I wish nobody could even begin to discern how I'm feeling by any outside indicators. I like what my mom said about TSoT because I think she's right. I think the world does pressure us to be artistic and beautiful on the outside, no matter how we are beneath the surface. And I buy it. I want that. If I could purchase the whole deal in a six-month installment plan, I would. I want to be beautiful. I want to be magical, special. I want to feel safe.
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